Posts Tagged MySpace
Just Keep in Touch
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on November 20, 2008
Current mood:sad
“daddy I lost you, I need you so, just for you now, just keep in touch” Words from a song I heard, by a person who could not even put his own voice to the words, he synthesized them.
Over the many years of our lives, we are hurt, but sometimes we don’t have enough background to even know what hurts and what doesn’t. Some of the deepest hurts may just make your head caulk to the side at the time, because you know something is wrong, but you can’t really put together what it is all about. then 10 or so years later, you are listening to a song, and it says something, something that touches you, and your body tenses up, and you resist the feeling, but you know that something is there. Those words just touched on a sore spot, a wound from the past that can not heal without the realization that it is there. Once you know something is going on, you can do something about it. Touching where we are wounded causes us pain, and we burst into tears, shaking, uncontrolled, or we fight it, and resist feeling anything and become cold and hard like a rock, unhealing. I had to ask God for help to figure out what was going on, to let me feel, if something is there, I want to heal, I want to realize the truth about what hurt me so I can act, so I can change it, and heal. I want to be a whole person, not like a house that is full of many rooms, with their doors blocked off and boarded up, afraid to face what happened behind them. If you live like that, each blocked off room also blocks off some of who you are, some of your feeling, some of your function, more of what makes you alive. Room by room, I want to heal, so I can be a full whole person, who is fully alive.
I miss my Dad, I miss him really bad. It is as if I had lost him, or maybe never had him in the first place. I see him from time to time, but it is like there is a wall there, I know there is one on my part, but perhaps he has one put up himself. We are not actually connecting… Well sometimes, perhaps on a deeper level then many people connect with their fathers. But I still feel that we are both wounded and afraid of the deeper relationship that we both long for with each other. He is afraid, so am I. I can not say what he is afraid of, but I can say what I am afraid of. I am afraid that on a deeper level, he does not really love me, unless there is something in it to benefit him. I am afraid of a conditional love. No one said one’s fears have to be based in truth, I can say that they often are not. I might go as far as saying that anywhere there is a fear involved, you will find a lie that you believe as a truth.
How Easily We Forget
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog on September 17, 2008
Current mood:confident
I wrote the following mid day sometime last week. I was having a hard day and being discouraged for one reason or another. Then I got to thinking, I have no reason to worry, to be discouraged about anything. God has gotten me through so many situations. He has taken care of me every step of the way, with boldly answered prayers, things that people do not believe when they hear it. Then my mind went back to the Israelite people, how they were taken out of Egypt with all kinds of undeniable acts of God, the Red Sea was even parted for them, and they were lead by a pillar of fire by night, and a pillar of cloud by day. God was with them, right there, but around every corner, they would start to grumble, forgetting that God has them all taken care of, every need will be granted. So I did a quick brain dump, here it is:
I want to spend the rest of my life remembering you Lord. It seems that over time all amazing things, all of the unforgettable things, all the things of greatest importance, they fade, they loose their value, their hold on our lives. This world degrades things, though the breath of life continues to flow against the destruction of this world, life is resilient, sin, or the knowledge of good and evil has tainted us, so that it is only because of the strength and love of God that we are still able to exist. I will put up pictures on the wall, write books or journals, read the bible, fill my life with all the things that show Your work in my life, so that I do not forget. Please God, give me the strength to do this, it is your life, your love that flows through me, I call on that Love that lives inside me, I call to you God who loves us. Let us never forget, not the walls of water, the water springing from the rock, the food from the sky, the miracles, the answers to prayer, the direction of our life, the direct speaking into my heart, the showing of unsearchable things. Show us how.
Jonathan Can’t Come Out To Play
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, Love, MySpace Blog, Relationships on June 17, 2008
Current mood:busy
Ok, it has been forever since I have last blogged, but I need to write something. Life has been continuing day after day. I am still heading my small group at the church, and attending another. I knew I needed the weekends so I moved my small group meeting to Tuesdays. I have realized that without structure or any sort of plan for the small group, I loose my confidence. I need to have a general direction and spend some time working in that direction myself before I feel comfortable asking people to come to the group, that should be a given, but somehow after the material Larry provided ran out, I have become lost. I have fleeting moments of inspiration, but only fleeting. I am recognizing that I do not put time with God high enough on my priority list. Part of me knows that spending time with God is a major blessing, He will help me find my center, my inspiration, my direction, and guide me through anything I go through, but there is another part of me that seems to be pulling in the other direction, the resistance, that same feeling one might get when approached with vacuuming or doing the dishes. I will call that resistance the flesh, the worldly part of me that tries to hold me back from doing what is best, from doing things the way they were designed to be done. I am slowly having my mind and heart changed, as I realize that I really want to spend that time with God. But it is so different than the way the rest of the world works, everything else seems to have very clear and direct results, so I find myself doing all of these other things before I finally get around to spending time with God. Day by day I feel the void growing as I let that time slip away. The verse “Abide in me and I will abide in you” keeps echoing through my head, and I know it is true, why is there any resistance? Maybe my motivation is wrong. My mind is cloudy, I can’t seem to figure this out. Maybe spending time with him will give me what I need to figure this out…. Sounds like a good idea to me, He has always helped me in the past.
Part of my problem these days is that I do not give myself enough down time, or alone time. Back in the day, I had not even recognized the need for down time or alone time, because other than work, that is all I had, sitting around watching TV, or reading once every few years. I had nothing going on. It is taking me a long time to recognize and admit that these are valid needs, now I need to find a way to bring a little bit of it back. This is a scary proposition though, something has to be cut back, and then your mind equates that to devaluing that thing, or person, or situation. For example, maybe less time with Kathy, or cut a group meeting out, or maybe some of my responsibilities at the church… I suppose I just need to evaluate where I am spending the most time.
My Beautiful Mental Exhaustion
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog on February 4, 2008
Current mood:drained
I want to start out thanking God for the energy and perspective he has given me. Today has been a very busy day, and I have needed every bit of energy I can get. Yesterday was great, I managed to get a lot done, and spend some time with Kathy in the process. Later that night, after I got home, I went to finish some things up at my computer. I heard this strange crash outside, and with the sound having a strange familiar tone to it, I decided to poke around outside to see what was up. When I got out there, everything seemed in order, there was a person down the road to my right pulling out of his driveway, and no traffic either way besides that. I didn’t think much of it, but wanted to check my Jeep out to make sure it was alright, I mean it was there and parked, not smashed down the road like last time, but I had to make sure. As I went around the vehicle, I noticed debris on the road and I knew someone had some sort of an accident, so I was thinking to myself, I wonder who the poor guy is who smashed up their vehicle. As I walked up along the driver’s side door, I noticed that the wheel was turned, and I didn’t remember leaving it turned that much, and something didn’t look right with the front driver’s side corner of the car. Well, I took a closer look, and it seemed that I was the poor sap who had his car smashed into. This is the second time in a few months that my parked car has been ran into, in fact, the reason I am driving around a newer Jeep now is because, by the grace of God, my last Jeep was totaled while parked in front of the house. As I checked it out, and called the police, a small swarm of neighbors came to see what was up. I took pictures, and the damage consisted of some bent suspension parts, steering linkage, smashed bumper and some body damage. It is not drivable, with the wheels turned strait, it looks like it is trying to take a right and a left turn at the same time, that would not get me very far… Anyway, by the end of the night, the police had apprehended the vehicle and suspect, but I was not given much in the line of details, so I will have to get a completed report from the police department. I did hear that my vehicle was the second that the guy hit that night, and that was why the office appeared in about a minute of me finishing up my 911 call.
All in all, I still had a sincere smile on my face that entire evening. The neighbors and officer were kind and helpful, and I thanked the officer for his help. Though I am not troubled by the incident, or the fact that I will be without a vehicle for a while, I still am going to be pushing extra paperwork, and have to wrangle my insurance as they process this new claim. It is a bit draining. I already have a lot going on, so it seems I am now in training to handle more…. thats good. Now I am wondering if I am getting to a point here… Nope, don’t think so, no real point, except maybe I feel drained. You know, 4 accidents in under one year, that just seems like too many to me, maybe a little unusual, and only one of them was possibly my fault, the others were when the car was parked, and I was rear ended on I-5.
There is good that comes from this. I now get to spend some time with other people as they drive me around. I am gaining all kinds of experience with the courts, insurance companies, and the overall process of an accident. Oh, and here is a good one; one by one I am taking bad drivers off the road. Another really good thing I am seeing is that when an accident happens, people come out, and with sincerity, they care whether or not you are ok. Even my mother, after borrowing her new car, and having the front end of it removed, she cared how I was above concern for the vehicle. I think I needed to see that.
I just thank God for his perfect care for me. He knows what is important, and he takes care of me. My possessions are not so important, they come and go.
Jonathan’s Thoughts on Ephesians
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, Love, MySpace Blog, Relationships on January 23, 2008
Current mood:refreshed
I am slowly working my way from the beginning of the bible to the end of the bible, and I just finished Ephesians today. Here are some thoughts that came to mind when reading Ephesians 5 this morning:
Come to understand these ideas of your own heart guided by the Holy Spirit to see that they are good, and so that you do them out of love for God, not simply out of obedience of the rules for the rule’s sake. Rules and guides passed on from one person to another are but empty without the understanding that the Holy Spirit gives, and just as children grow to become adults, and realize the wisdom behind the rules they were taught, we too must grow in Christ, and gain the understanding, to build our foundation on Him, with his guidance. Each one of us, if seeking God with all our heart, mind, body, soul, and strength, will find God, and his good will, and we will be guided to do what is good and right in His eyes. We need but ask, and we shall receive.
I must say I liked Ephesians, it was well written. There is a lot to be said for being given time alone to think and spend time with God, even if it is in prison.
Life is Simply Complex
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, Love, MySpace Blog, Relationships on January 13, 2008
Current mood:anxious
First I would like to say, love is so much more than just a choice, so so much more! It is a feeling, it is an action, it is loyalty, it is based in truth, it is working through problems with a life long determination, never giving up. Love is so many things, and for me it is a way of life. Though I am not perfect, and in some ways, I am a hypocrite because I am not perfect. But I do love, and I will spend my entire life growing in love, working toward showing agape love. I pray that God strip me of my selfishness, my arrogance, my comparisons, and my feelings of superiority, because those have no place in a life of love. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I do however plan to always learn and grow, so that I might gain footing every day. As the world and its values push back, with God, I have faith that I can grow.
Now that I got that out of the way, which was something that has been bothering me ever since I posted my first blog touching on what love is, I feel much better. As I move forward in my relationship with Kathy, I am learning many new things, seeing myself in many new lights, and seeing how truly human I am. I am weak at times, I am an empty shell of a man at other times. As I move forward in love, my flaws seem to have bright spotlight on them, and now I can see so many things that I need to work through in order to grow. Day after day, I am reminded of how Kathy will love me no matter what I approach her with. I am filled with confidence in who God made her to be, and how through God, nothing is impossible to resolve. It is not always easy, but what truly good things in life are easy.
I feel like I have finally woken up after 7 years of… I don’t know what, and for the last year or 2 I have been back and growing. Not to say my 7 years in Walla Walla were a waste, they were not, I have made many friends, and seen how the world values things. I have lived on my own, and I have lived with people. I have been through so many different situations, I have seen the worst in people, and then I have been able to understand it. I have been given the gift of forgiveness and have been able to let go of so many hurts in my past, not forgetting them, but they no longer have power over me and my actions and feelings today. Enough of this tangent, I am here now, so now what?
Now what? It is a little late for me to be asking myself that now isn’t it… I am moving forward. But still I feel the need to ask myself that question on a day to day basis. In this life there are so many things to do, so many choices, which one do I make, and what steps do I want to take to get there. What do I want? I want a life of love, life foundation in God, and to make people laugh. I also want to develop the talents God has gifted me with, like art, and to explore my love for music by actually learning a musical skill. I want to build strong friendships with the people around me, and to treat everyone with a love that resembles the love God has for us.
My to do list is growing, and time is passing by, but not without me jumping on and doing as much as I can in the time I am given, and with the ability I have been gifted with. Maybe I should start by doing the paperwork on my desk, and clearing all of that off.
Jonathan’s Time off and Christmas Ramblings
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, Love, MySpace Blog, Relationships on December 17, 2007
Current mood:happy
Today I am sitting here, on the first day of the week I am taking off work, and I am thinking. I am thinking about all kinds of things, so many things. One of them is the upcoming trip I am taking with Kathy over to meet her parents in Idaho. I wonder what her parents will think of me. Well, what ever the case, I will love them, thats just who I am. I am looking forward to spending this time with Kathy and her family, seeing the dynamics of her with her family. This is going to be fun. I should probably start to pack and get ready for the trip.
Oh yeah, I suppose this is blog worthy, I am no longer single. Kathy has been my best friend this year for some time, and I excited to have been given the chance to get to know her. She is a wonderful woman, and I am blessed to be able to spend time with her. While I was new and still getting to know people in the church (Edmonds Adventist Church), I was starting to work in the back on the computer during the services, and Kathy was there helping me every step of the way. She has a strong and growing relationship with God, which is so wonderful to see and be a part of. I have been looking for someone who puts God as number one in their lives because I believe that with God being the center of your life, everything else just seems to fall into place. Being that no one is perfect, I believe it is so very important that we have God in our lives, and seek to continue to grow and mature with Him, and He will continually work with us to overcome our shortcomings and help us learn the hard lessons in life that we need to learn. I can not put into words how much God has made a difference in my life, so now I recognize how cool it is to see that in the life of someone else.
Another thing that has been on my mind this morning is my computer. It is more and more sounding like a Hoover vacuum cleaner. There are some fans that are showing their age by making all kinds of strange whining noises. I opened the computer this morning to check things out and I pulled the graphics card out and the CPU fan, hoping I could find some replacements at a local computer store, but no luck. While I was in there, I noticed something that no one really wants to see, I have 2 capacitors that have pushed fluid out the top. I have seen this on servers before, and they still worked for years after that, but it is disconcerting to see that on my prized motherboard. So now I am faced with a possible forced upgrade soon. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, “YAY” for a faster newer computer, but darn the fact that it costs money. God will provide what ever I need, he always has, and always will.
I have started actually trying to give gifts this Christmas. I would love to get gifts for everyone I knew, but I am doing what I can, and keeping my eyes and ears open for some real needs, and giving where I can. Even if it is just for a few select people, where I have seen a need, that is cool. But one thing that I have found out is that, wrapping presents is hell! By the time I get done with a box, I stand back and see just a mass of paper and tape. It took me something like an hour for just 2 boxes. I am forced to grapple with the idea that I just blow at wrapping gifts. Yet somehow it was fun… strange.
There are so many other things for me mull over today, so I can figure out what I can fit in. Like changing the oil in the Jeep, installing the subwoofer in the Jeep, working on the Christmas letter, working on the cruse control buttons, finish up with church computer and lights notes, play with Ableton Live, setup a business website on grendeltech.com, work on resume, finish some books, and a letter to my grandmother. Now I can add another task of keeping my eyes out for a good new computer to replace my old Hoover. Oh, and I need to send a note to my bible study group to let them know I will be gone this weekend, that’s fairly important. I know there are plenty of other things that I need to do, but one thing at a time, no worries here. It is so nice to know and be able to rest in the fact that God has all of the truly important issues worked out already, and he is working in my life so that it may be used for good.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas time! Travel safe, and have fun! You are all in my prayers. God bless.
Scars of Love?
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog on November 23, 2007
Current mood:contemplative
I pull up my sleeves to take a glance at the goose bumps on my arm, inspired by the beautiful music, and I look. I see scars, so many of them, cuts along my wrist, and look back in my mind, and see the immense pain I was in when those marks were made. How careless was I, to take this gift of life for granted, this beautiful gift, and want to throw it all away. How did I get to that point, how could I not see… As tears well up in my eyes, I start to pray out loud “Lord, I am sorry, I had no idea, I didn’t know..”. Back in those days, I had no clue who God was, or really grasped how much he loves us. I did not see anything as a gift, but a curse. And now I am left wondering, how could someone reach a child, and teach them, using their own limited understanding and desire as a basis, and allow them to understand and grasp how much God loves them, how much life is a gift, even in this hurtful selfish world, life and so much more, are gifts from God. Can that really be grasped by someone so young? I think first we would have to be able to show them who God is, give them some way to understand His character. I think that something like this could only be done with the help of God Himself.
Then again, maybe I am looking at it wrong. Maybe just like when a baby comes into this world, it does not know all of this, maybe the timing is not so important. Am I trying to find a way to prevent pain in life? How then will we ever come to the point where we question all of the important things in this life? I am starting to look at all of these hard times in life as just growing pains, simply signs of growth as we learn life lessons. Being brought down to the point of needing at least one good reason to live, I must say was a big turning point in my life, one that I still look back on, and thank God for. That reason that God gave me will always stick with me, and it will stand out even brighter in the darkest times. Isn’t that truly something worth thanking God for?
God knows what needs to be done. He loves us so much that he is willing to single us out, and when we really need to focus on the most important things in life, he may take everything else away or out of the picture, just so that we can see, and ask the most important questions of ourselves.
Jonathan’s Guided Direction
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, Love, MySpace Blog, Relationships on November 16, 2007
Current mood:contemplative
Is love a choice? If its not, should it be?.. Shouldn’t it be? If love is something that you just “fall into”, like a hole, something hidden that if you run across it, you will fall into it, then what does that mean? Doesn’t that mean that you are letting your subconscious make your choices for you, some values or beliefs that have been ingrained in you as you were growing up. And what does that mean for your relationships? Say you keep on finding yourself attracted to people who abuse you, or use you, or any number of other things that are not good or right for your life. Doesn’t that mean you damn well better take a hold of yourself, and figure that stuff out before you wake up one day, look back on your life and see failed relationship after relationship in your past, and realize that they were all the same person. Maybe it is time to sit down and evaluate my inner beliefs, or what ever is inside directing me to the people I “fall for”, and make sure that everything is sound, make sure that my beliefs are based upon truth, and not some BS that I picked up somewhere when I was growing up. If love is something that you just stumble and fall into, wouldn’t that mean you could just as simply fall out of love? How scary is that for someone who is looking at marriage?
We are humans, we make choices. We are not, or should not be, just debris being tossed about in a sea of other people or circumstances in this world. We need to take the time to figure things out, so that we learn and grow, especially our core beliefs. I don’t plan on being just a ball getting tossed about by what ever waves come my way, what would that make me? Screw that, I am going to strive to grow, to find the direction I want to go, and with God’s help, I am going to plow through the waves of this life, like a ship with its sails set high. With God as my guide and teacher, I will not be lost in the sea of this world or its values.
These days, I choose to love, but it is never a bad idea to take a moment and examine yourself from time to time, just to make sure you have not unknowingly fallen into some rut. Living a life with your eyes wide open takes constant effort.
Children Like To Think They Know Everything
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog on October 22, 2007
Current mood:cheerful
What would you do if you knew everything? You really can’t say, can you? Just as when you were a child, and did not know as much as you do now, you could not say what you would do if you knew more, you could not say how your perspective would be, or what would be right for you. How much of everything would you have to know before you could say what you would do if you knew everything? Do we need to know everything before we can accept it, that is a clear no, look at every situation in your life that you had to learn, you did not know, but you had to accept and work with it. I accept you, I believe in you, I love you, even though I do not completely understand you. How is it that we love, accept, and believe in so many things every day even when we know full well we do not know everything about it, we may not even understand it. But when we sit back and think about God, for some reason, we are stuck on trying to understand everything he does, his perspective, his reasoning for why this or that happened. Does this really make sense? Are we not just tiny children who know little, trying to figure out what we would do if we knew everything? Think about that for a while, think long and hard. Here is something that we might just be able to figure out, we can figure out human behavior, how we act, what drives us as humans, what our hangups are, and what we tend to do about them. Once we understand ourselves, then maybe, just maybe it will not be so hard to accept God, the truth of everything, even though we can not figure Him out. Heh, I just realized I am telling this to myself as much as anyone else.
Somehow this little line of thought, which is nothing new, came about this time as I was thinking about my children, and what I would teach them, how I would get them to understand and see the world as it really is. How can you teach children a perspective of the world, when they know and understand so little to begin with, when I can not even teach an adult. Is it weird that I can feel how much I would love my children, even when I have none? Ok, well, one day at a time, God will get me through every step, I just have to listen to my loving Father and trust him, because he knows so much more than I. Life is good!
Shiny Happy People?
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog on October 19, 2007
Current mood:chipper
Here is something I ran across (not going to comment on where), but it sounded good, so here it is:
“My tattered heart, it beats once again. Even with all of the holes, the scars, the hurts from the past, life is being breathed back into me. Its all going to be ok, step by step every day, I am being healed, growing stronger, and headed in the right direction. Lessons learned, perspectives changed, so far to go, but I am not alone. The future is bright, bright with the hope of all the beautiful possibilities we see. “Everything is going to be alright, I am here for you, and you will never be alone.””
It is interesting how the writer started out talking about themselves, then it switched to “we”, and then “you”…
Hypocrisy, Mistakes, Trusting in God
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog, Values on September 10, 2007
Current mood:accomplished
Hypocrisy, an interesting term, and something I do not like. How does a person follow God’s guide? Am I a hypocrite? In order to tell if you are a hypocrite, I believe it may take a bigger scope of your life than you would normally see at a given time. I have just taken a step back and looked at my actions, and I think that I am being a hypocrite.
Here is the kicker, this is not a horrible realization! It is not a bad thing to realize that you have made a mistake, that is the first step to growing from it and possibly making it right. The reason it is not a horrible thing for me is that I have been praying about it for some time. I have asked God to be my guide in everything I do, including this situation. This is what God can do for you. I asked God to show me what would be right in his eyes, and he did. Now my part in this, just like every other time he shows me the path, I have to take it to heart and act on it, make the choice and make it happen.
The fact that I feel I have been a hypocrite is not something that scares me. We all have to keep in mind that we are not perfect, and above all else, we truly must realize that God loves us and cares for us even in these times when you are making a mistake. This is what we all truly must grasp in our relationships with God, no matter what happens, He is there, no matter what blunder or tiny mistake we make, He is there for us, we need only to call on Him. I believe shame and fear are our own doing, and the closer we hold to God, those aspects fade. God is forgiving, no matter what you do, if you come to him, he can make everything better, and you will be forgiven if you ask for it.
I went in with confidence, my fear fell away, I knew that God would guide me, and He is, I only have to listen, take to heart what I am shown to be good, and act accordingly. So this is what it is like to trust in God… I like it!
Jonathan’s Christian Beginnings
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog on September 6, 2007
Current mood:calm
Out of nowhere, thoughts come into my head, like a conversation between two people, I think things over in my head, and my ideas and understandings are revised. Time and time again, as I work through things in my mind, I get these realizations, where I understand something just a little bit better, or something I have been wondering about all of a sudden makes perfect sense. Just yesterday I was thinking about religion, and how I used to look at it, and how it was the wrong way to look at it. From my point of view it was passed down to me by family and church as this set of rules, things that I could and could not do. It also included many things that I had to do if I wanted to be a Christian. I get the feeling that I am not the only one who had that idea. Now I have a totally different perspective, and I was thinking about how I had viewed religion in the past, and I realized that was not at all what it was suppose to be. Now I know it is about having a relationship with God, that is where it begins, that is where it always seems to begin. Here is a fragment of my thoughts as I jotted them down:
Its not the rules, the rules have nothing to do with it, my perspective changes, my desires change, and I just end up doing what I am impressed is the right thing to do. It just so happens that the rules are going along with what I am finding is right. But I have thrown away the rules, walked up to God, and asked him to guide me, that is the only way for me to go. To throw away these sick twisted dirty rags tainted by man’s hands, and to start over with God. I do not want a relationship with rules, I want a relationship with God. Do not let the rules of a given religion or the ways of man taint your view of God, who is perfect and good.
Now I must comment on that, I have held onto many rules, but only the ones where it says in the bible that God gave them to man. I am not saying that I did not break some of them, because I have, I am far from perfect. What I am saying is that it is a relationship with God which is the beginning, that is where we need to start. Following the rules does not come first, they are only a symptom of loving God and developing a relationship with Him. I do not follow any of these rules because I have to, I choose to follow rules because they are good and right, and I want to follow them.
Also, when I say “I have thrown away the rules”, I am meaning all of the rules put together by various members of the Christian religion that I believe have deviated from God’s good rules and plans he has laid out for us. I am now moving forward with a sincere interest in searching out God’s plans for us, and the guides he has laid out. Just as people have done in the bible, I am searching out his decrees and precepts.
Jonathan’s Growing Conscience
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog, Values on September 4, 2007
Current mood:relieved
I want to be able to look back and see the things that I have done, and say with full faith, I did what I believed was right, completely, in this situation. I mean, what is worth more, really? Money?, what people think of me?, my driving record?, or how I look back and see what I have done, and if I can feel good about my decision or not. That seems like a good clear choice to me. I can be cleaver any day, I can get what I want anytime I really want, I can do so many things to get my way. Temptation is everywhere, personal gain is so appealing sometimes, but I guess the question is, where are my values. I want to be good in God’s eyes, I want my will to be something that Jesus could look at and be ok with. I want to do what is best, I mean truly good for me and everyone around me, as in how God defines good, in every situation. I guess one could ask why. What is my motivation? That is a question I will have to answer some day, something I will have to figure out. I can’t really put my finger on why at the moment.
Jonathan’s Cream Filled Center
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog, Values on August 30, 2007
Current mood:tired
Today I just realized something, something truly great. Throughout my life, I have been surrounded by so many people and it has been a rare gift to find mature people, who do what they know to be right, despite the feelings they have, or what they “want” to do. It is painful, and very hard sometimes, but in this life we have gotten to a point where we know better, and are actually taking steps to make sure our futures are healthy, and not just our futures, but the futures of the other people involved as well. I am finding that my peer group seems to be getting things together, figuring things out, and realizing what is important. I feel I am arriving a little late, and I know I have a long ways yet to go, but I am learning.
I have had to make some decisions like this on a regular basis over the past year or so, and I can say that it is not easy. Maybe it is experience, all of these things in my past coming together painting a few more parts of the picture, so that I can see things just a little more clearly. But I think that is only a part of it. I have many of my friends to thank for connecting so many of the dots in my mind (you know who you are). I have such a long ways to go, but I am happy I have made it to the point where I can actually make decisions that are not driven by my selfish interests, but by what is right, what is best. I am not that strong yet, I feel that in some situations I was just a hair away from just going for it, letting my feelings take over and doing something I knew was not the right way to go, but God seems to fill the gap when I fall short, and He gives me strength when mine fails.
Tonight I am not quite leaping for joy, but I am overall happy with my situations. I would like to mention to anyone who might have the slightest idea what my vague rambling is about, if anyone needs to talk, I am here, with an open ear, and a caring heart. If someone is going through something and would like to talk, I would like to listen.
Jonathan’s Misguided Thread
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog on August 28, 2007
Current mood:annoyed
There is a lot weighing on my mind today. It is strange how one little thing can rattle you so much, almost like a chain reaction and next thing you know, you are looking far into the future and wondering how things are going to work out, questioning things that should not be questioned from so far away. Why must I worry about so many things at once… It was just a little problem… There are so many other things that are so much more important, I guess I have to keep that in mind. I thank God for giving me a foundation I can depend on, so that no matter what, even if everything is swept away, I can still stand firm. I just need to take that and hold onto it, never letting it go. It is so easy to get side tracked, to take your eyes off of what is important, to sink in the water that you were walking on just seconds ago. You may have all of this positive knowledge in your head, promises that you believe, yet somehow you let them slip through your fingers so often. Why must we sink so deep before we call out and grab on to the hand that has been held out the whole time.
Ok, that was dark enough, and I laugh at the little problem that rattled me so much, it will probably be just fine anyway. I am not going to mention what it was. It is sorta like the despair part of my mind threw a tantrum at being ignored for so long. If I were not to have written this, no one would have the slightest clue, not even those closest to me, that I was being bothered so much. It seems so dramatic when I put it into words, yet on the outside, I may look just a little annoyed. I guess that is just me.
Bits of stuff, unworthy of their own blog
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Business Ethics, God, Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on August 16, 2007
Here are a few things that did not quite make it to becoming a blog, but I wanted to toss this stuff up here all the same. Some are conversations, others are just things I jotted down. None of it seemed special enough to put up into its own blog.
Sometime after July 29th, when I went to the Daft Punk concert:
Yes, the concert was a blessing, that’s right, being able to go to the Daft Punk concert was blessing from God, He knows how to take care of me. The only thing that comes to mind is that God is the DJ, mixing together all of the sound samples and notes of my life, and I got to say, I love the music! He is taking everyone and using them in his mix.
Wed Aug 08 08:36:42 2007, just chatting with someone:
[13:08] Jonathan: I don’t get it, why am I attracted to crazy?
[13:09] Jonathan: NM, I got it…
[13:11] Jonathan: I love extremes, blistering heat, dripping humidity, blasting wind, ground-shaking thunder, blinding lightning. Maybe I now am at the point where I realize, that stuff is cool, but that is not what I need to look for in a woman….
[13:29] Matt: it is the challenge
[13:30] Matt: or possibly, you like to fix things
[13:30] Jonathan: that could be too
[13:31] Jonathan: I like to help people, it has been my resolve since childhood, and maybe I see they need help, and I want to help, I always do
[13:32] Matt: yeah, i did the same thing with girlfriends…. get the crazies and try to help them then realize it was too much
[13:32] Matt: the problem with women is that if you attempt to fix them they wont stay fixed
[13:32] Matt: probably the same with men, but i never dated any
[13:33] Jonathan: yeah, they have to do it themselves, to what ever extent is possible
[13:33] Matt: word
[13:39] Jonathan: God’s teaching me tons of stuff, its cool
[13:40] Matt: how do you know?
[13:41] Jonathan: action and reaction, to the point of no chance of coincidence
This was just me “thinking out loud” in an email today:
My perspective is a little down cast the last day or so, but I know it is just temporary, and it will clear up.
I think God has some more teaching to do, and I have some more lessons to learn. One of the things I am dealing with is the feeling you get when you are ripped off by a mechanic. I hardly ever get to the point where I am filled with contempt for someone, but I think that situation really hit a sore spot, that spot where you finally get to the point where you get enough trust together, hold it out only to have it smacked out of your hands and fall to the ground shattering into a million pieces. Maybe I am over sensitive, maybe I should have known better, or maybe I didn’t handle it right. At what point do I take the situation into my own hands and get the mechanic to do what I paid them to do. For all I know, they may not have had any deception in mind, maybe they really thought what they told me was the real cause of the problem. Maybe I am just seeing it wrong. But one thing I know, I am not built to hate, I am not meant to hold contempt for someone, and I think that is what is bothering me so much, this foreign feeling that should not be there, it is being rejected. I think that is it, with God so strong in my life, those feelings are like poison, and my entire being is rejecting it.
Who am I to Judge
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog, Values on July 18, 2007
Current mood:annoyed
My thoughts during a situation this evening, I had to get them out of my head, they were distracting me:
Look at me, who am I! Truly, who am I! I am but a humbled mess of a man, crumpled in a pile, held oh so lovingly in God’s hands. Look at me again and ask yourself, who am I? How can I judge you? Do you fear the dirt you walk on, that it might judge you? Do not answer me with fear and anger, for my questions are out of pure innocent curiosity. I do not point my finger in judgment of you or anyone. I love you, why do you lash out at me? I love you all the same…
Obi-Wan, You Are My Only Hope!
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on June 29, 2007
Current mood:annoyed
I am back in Everett, I have been here since the beginning of this year. I have met up with old friends, many of them. Things change, I change, a little bit here and there, over the years it adds up, maybe I am a different person. I still love and care for people, I still love to have fun, I love to do new things, meet new people. My values have been strengthened, my direction chosen, I now know what I want, and I know what I do not want. And ok, maybe I grew up a little tiny bit, but not too much. I suppose there is one very big thing that has changed, I now have a strong faith in God. I know that may sound strange to some, it sounds great to others, and there are some that would be scared, or even angry. Before you take that and think that I no longer do this, or I no longer eat that, try asking me first, because it might surprise you. Let’s just say I don’t value all of these rules that man made up. I guess what I am getting at is that in this world that some say is overpopulated, in this city of nearly 100,000, I feel a bit alone. Don’t get me wrong, I am not crying myself a river, I am just a little annoyed. Where is everyone?
Well, I have grown tired of humoring my ex-girlfriend’s alternate personality, even though it is a bit amusing. I am going to get some reading done, I am half way through the bible, and have all but the first chapter of “Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire” to read.
Lord, you are my only hope,
everything else washes away as the sand with the waves.
The things of this world come and go like the pulsing tide.
Lord, let me be content with what you have given me,
nothing matters more than you.
Random Thoughts – What Makes a Good Person
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in God, Life, MySpace Blog, Values on May 31, 2007
What makes a person a good person or a bad person, it is not just what a person wants, or what they desire (and yes children, a desire can be “not to do things”), it is what they are willing to do to get what they want, that determines if you are a good person or not. Are you going to do things you know are wrong to get what you desire, are you going to hurt someone, neglect something, lie, cheat, steel, rip off a company, do nothing when something needs to be done, or are you going to do what is right? Who are you going to hurt to get what you want today?
If you ever want someone to feel comfortable coming to you when they have a problem and need to talk about it, do not judge others. That is God’s job. Life tends to be so much better when you get out of God’s chair. People see when you judge others, and then they fear being judged by you, so they will not talk to you. I just realized this when I wanted to talk to someone about a problem I was having, and decided against it because I recalled how she talks about others. Well, I guess it is just between me and God for now (we talk all the time).
I Am Not A Caveman, I Just Have Rugged Good Looks
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on March 2, 2007
Current mood:annoyed
The other thing that is going on in my life which is sorta big, is that I am learning that the evolution theory is wrong. There are so many things that while growing up, just did not make sense to me, and now that I am looking around, I am finding out why. The flood happened, and before it happened, people existed (some very big) as did giant animals and plants, the entire world was beautiful and green even the north and south poles, and humans, animals, and plants are not accidents. Time, the sun and the elements break down everything, things fall apart, they don’t get better, or accidentally more complexly organized. Mutations never result in some sort of good thing for a plant or animal, nor does any plant or animal produce a new kind of plant or animal. Variations exist, but no matter what shape or size a dog is, it is still a dog. All one has to do is look back in history and find that when scientists come up with big claims about things they can not prove, they are very often wrong, but people of that time still defend the theories to the death. The world is flat, the sun orbits the earth, and the moon is made of cheese. Prove the accuracy of carbon dating, as in test it on objects that we already know the age of to gauge its accuracy, then if it is accurate on that object, then you can use it to tell how old some things are, but only to the maximum proven accuracy, nothing more is scientific, it is speculation built on assumption that things in the past are just as they are today, and once again, in the nature of science, I say prove it. Another thing to ponder is that if you follow the evolution theory, there can not be missing links. Unless a monkey gives birth to at least 2 humans, or some other animal gives birth to multiple of a completely different type of animal, it can not happen. There has to be multiple, because otherwise the new type of animal could not propagate its own species, very simple, and just like a monkey and a dog can not have sex and make a monkey-dog, there are boundaries that prevent things like that from happening. With that idea out of the way, lets go the slowly changing over time, well there you go, no missing links, there would be tons of fossil evidence to support the entire evolutionary chain, a smooth tiny change over billions of years producing billions of different fossils that can be dug up and used to prove evolution, but there are not. Cave men? Ha, yeah, well take a look around you today, I know of many people that if they found their bones, they would mistake them for cave men too just by their shape, but they are just a little funny looking, still people, nothing weird about variation. Why do so many people believe in evolution? read grade school and high school text books, you fill find evolution along with many things proven wrong over the years, still being taught to students. Evolution is dangerous, all you have to do is follow its origins and its supporters, look at what they wrote, and how they used it to justify what they did. Read Hitler’s hit list found in the book “The Hitler Movement” on page 107, it is based on evolution. Ok, I started ranting, sorry, but it is really interesting stuff, but people are too busy to go out and dig this information up for themselves, and where does that leave us, directly in the hands of those who provide us with our day to day media, and what we are taught in our schools. It would be nice if just the facts were taught in school, but evolution, which is a religion which takes so much faith considering it is based on people’s made up ideas which can not be proven, seems to be what the powers that be, want us to learn. People should not discount God so easily (or at all) just because of some guy who made up a theory, and mixed in a bit of truth to make it believable.
Torment
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on December 28, 2006
Current mood:tired
I pride myself on being good natured, a loving person who helps others, never putting them down, trying to tip the balance towards good in what ever way I can. Yet I am tormented, somehow I continually find myself tripping over these people that seem to want to twist and pervert my intentions, my actions are some how contorted into insults in their eyes. My good intentions are looked at as if they were backed by malice or some dark force that I keep hidden from prying eyes.
I meet good people every day, so many, yet somehow interaction with them seems minimal. Is this self inflicted, do I actually search out these conflicting personalities to torture myself for some deep seeded self loathing. I pray that this is not the case. I keep checking with people around me to make sure that I am not mad, not the crazy person looking in on normal reality and calling it madness.
Perhaps I just need to put more effort in filling my life with those good people that can see me as who I hope I am. In the meantime, perhaps now I can sleep. If nothing else, this adversity will help bring out some sort of artistic side of me, and will keep the challenge in my life.
Maybe The Road is Clear?
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on October 28, 2006
Current mood:calm
Here is the last part of a long dream I had last night, or at least the last part of it that seemed to have some importance. It started out with me working on the same project I am right now, and accomplishing some great things. I had just finished my project, or at least finished what I had set out to complete with the server we demoed at work. Here is what happened in my dream:
I was on my way home, pulled around the corner onto the road my home is on, and for once in my life, I looked and saw the road was clear, nothing in the way, nothing to stop me. In disbelief, I scan the road again and again, I had never seen the road so clear. So I go home and drive right through the places that should be full of crap and garbage that I thought would be in my way, and yet nothing, it is perfectly clear. I park right in front of my home. I get out of my truck and look around still in disbelief that nothing was really in my way, keeping me from arriving directly at home. I look in amazement, everything is there, all of the obstacles that I had expected were there, yet the fact remained that I had driven right through it, nothing stopped me, and it was clear, considering my truck was not harmed, no dents, nothing, it was clear that what I had seen as obstacles in my way were not really there. I had driven through what should have totaled my car and arrived safely at home. Maybe things are not really as complicated as my mind sees them, or maybe circumstances are all just coming together to clear my path.
Viruses Suck Ass!
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on October 13, 2006
Current mood:cold
I am sick, I have a cold. Colds suck! Kill me! I am such a pussy….
The Same Old Something New, Revenge of The Oxymoron
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on October 11, 2006
Current mood:tired
I live a strange life. Every day I get up and go to work, and do the daily grind. At work I do new things, break new ground, develop something new, and learn something new (thats the daily grind, right?). Recently, at work and outside of work, so many new things are going on, it is almost overwhelming. I love new experiences, new things to do, and new things to learn, but I have this internal battle going on. Part of me knows I need to slow down a bit, that I am setting my goals too high for my own health. If I don’t slow down, maybe I will start to trip over my own feet, overlook important things, or drive myself too hard and “fall”. The other part of me is pushing hard, to move forward, to make something happen, to become someone, to some end that I do not exactly know what is.
Most of the changes, and new things happening in my life are by my own choice, I guess I just need to keep in mind that there is a balance I need to keep. I will not embrace the feeling to slow down, but I will keep in mind that I have that feeling for a reason, to keep me ever aware of the balance that is needed in life. While I push forward, I need to make sure I don’t move so fast that I overlook people, ideas, or opportunities.
I think life should always be changing, if we sit in one situation too long, the inevitable change that is one of life’s guarantees, is going to come along and rip you a new asshole (you will know what I mean when it happens).
I have not written a blog in a long time. I think partly because I am running into that point where I have found that I am trying to move things in my life too fast, and I am working it out. While I am taking that step back to figure things out, I am not doing anything dramatic or spectacular that is worthy of a blog. Even this is just a steaming pile of worthless blather, another point on the “Jon’s going crazy” scoreboard. It almost seems like a waste of a good title! Thats ok, it is early, and I am still waking up, so its all good.
Moving Forward…
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on September 27, 2006
Current mood:peaceful
I have not blogged for a while, well at least a blog that all of my friends can see. Oh, and by the way, if you could not read my last blog, you can now, I switched it to be viewable by all friends. I had it set to private for a while, for personal reasons.
To those that don’t know, I am single, and this is a good thing right now, because while I am single, I have much to learn, and many things to do. Eventually a romantic relationship would be nice, and it is always welcome, but I am not looking to push the issue. When the right person comes into my life, it will be great, but if I were to be on the hunt, I am sure I would find plenty of people, but none of them right for me, or at least so I have found. I have also found new meaning in “take it slow”, and now can appreciate how truly important that really is. Yeah, like I said, I have learned a lot, and still have a lot to learn.
I am happy right now. I have been keeping myself busy and productive recently, and that really feels good. I am accomplishing so many things, not wasting my time, and yet as I go, I am keeping a balance, so I do not over do anything. I am working out many of my dreams, and aspirations. Soon I will have some goals that I will blog about as I take the steps to turn my dreams into reality. Many of them will be off a little, and need to be revised, but that is a normal part of the process when dealing with turning dreams into goals and finally into reality. There is much strength in having written goals.
For anyone who I may not have talked to about the things going on with me right now, here is a little update. By the end of next month (October), I will be all moved up to Everett, no longer living in Walla Walla. The move is for several reasons, first it is for the friends I have abandoned so abruptly 7-8 years ago that still live up there. Second, it is for my family, who I have lost touch with for so long. Third, it is for school, I will be attending Shoreline CC in the winter, taking a Japanese language class. Fourth, for my entire social life in general, which has been so hard to develop in Walla Walla by the simple hard set dynamics of the area. There are other things like personal growth, spiritual growth, and the abundance of good people I can surround myself with that are also reasons, among others.
There are also other things going on in my life that are helping to bring about all of the many good changes I am going through. The only way to describe it is like there is something laying out a path for me to take. Options are being cut off, paths being removed, and behind me is a wave that can not be stopped, there is no stepping back. Things are happening in a good way, this is not some sort of violent bad situation, unless I try and step back or stop moving forward. Something is giving me the strength and energy to do so many things I have not had the drive to do in the many years past. The direction is clear, the destination, not so much, but I am all for it.
Ok, got to get ready for work, so maybe I will blog some more later.
My Name is Jonathan!
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on September 21, 2006
Current mood:blank
Have you ever met someone who has a chip on their shoulder? Someone who you can only assume has been really hurt in the past, and still has not pulled themselves together and dealt with it? It can be hard to talk to them sometimes, ok, allot of the time.
It is strange how a normal conversation can turn on you. Simply saying that you know how to get to some place can some how turn into an insult to the person you are talking to. Some how that can mean that you are saying they are stupid, or that you are trying to make them feel stupid. You are thinking to yourself, What? huh? I am saying what? trying to make you feel…. umm did I miss something? So you take a few steps back, and explain that you did not mean in any way to say that they were stupid, or to make them feel stupid. I guess at this point it is too late. If they don’t really know you, that is one thing, but if they have this chip on their shoulder from their past, and that drives them to feel negative about all guys, then you are in trouble, and should duck out right then, there is no saving yourself. Everything you say is going to get the “uh huh” or “sure you did” types of response because all of a sudden any credibility you had went out the window as she flipped the switch in her head that turned you from being Jonathan, into you are now every guy, with no credibility, everything you say is a lie, and you are an asshole. In essence, to her you are now a collective of bullshit that she has experienced with other guys in the past, and she will treat you with equal disdain.
All of this caught me off guard, I was not expecting it, nor have I had any military training that could possibly prepare me for this attack which soon turned personal. I now believe that I should have quickly ducked out after my apology. Now, know this, I am human, and after something like that, I was still being patient, and trying to be as understanding as possible. But then it got personal. After I tried to simply exit the conversation after a quick apology, saying I had some things to do, things got interesting. She pulled me back saying she was on the phone, and followed it up with insult. She said “Boys can be dense sometimes”, that followed by turning it into a full on stereotype “all guys are”. Ok, you did get that I said I am human, well as a human, that really hacked off any patience I was having with her. Needless to say, I should have gotten out right after the insults started flying. The rest was short, not too pleasant, I am going to leave it at that.
A keg of gunpowder, me, and a person to fan the flames (though I don’t think she meant to), does not make a good night. Being me, it kept me up most of the night bothering me. I just have to write it down to get it out of my head, and to maybe make sense of it. Some times you just have to let it go, because you can not always make sense out of everything.
I woke up this morning, and my penis was missing….
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on August 27, 2006
Current mood:amused
Do you ever wake up in the morning, and feel like something is missing? No, not like in the “Detachable Penis” song, I know some of you were thinking that. You had something great going the day before, a drive, a sense of well being, a strength that pushed you to do all of the things that you have planned to do. Did I loose something, did the energy, the driving force leave me in my sleep? Should I write it down before I go to bed, the things in my mind that push me, my reasons to push ahead? Is it really sort of like the movie “50 first dates”, do I really need to remind myself of who I am every morning? I know that in time, later in the day, it comes back, I guess it is sort of just the waking up process. Maybe I should give myself more than just an hour after opening up my eyes. I need to finish booting up…
Maybe it is something I should write down, just in case, I wake up one morning, and don’t remember why I am here, what I am here to do. Maybe a jump start, it could speed the waking process up, get me started exactly where I was when I left off. I hate wasted time, when time is the one thing we all can count on running out of sooner or later. Which is not a concept that scares me, I embrace it, and I am given strength by it.
Find your center, your strength, smile, and go. You have things to do too.
Nowhere To Turn….
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on August 25, 2006
You know what sucks? When you need someone to talk to and no one is around. When you want to go out and do something, and no can go with you. When you make friends, and they move away. When you move away and loose touch with friends. When you think someone is right for you, and they turn out not to be, and yet you have these lingering feelings you still have to make sense of. When you are making good changes in your life, but it never seems to happen fast enough for you. When you loose your way, and have to climb out of the hole you put yourself into. Or how about having all of these things going on at the same time, how about that?
Friends are too important to let fade away. Patience yet perseverance, in time, everything will come together.
Yeah, quite a negative post, but if you read the last sentence, you will see it is serving its purpose, which is to make me feel better. I would like to say it was an exaggeration, but at that point in time, I was feeling a bit down after some thoughts passed through my mind, linked to some things I was reading, some things that just happened, and the fact that I am a bit tired. So no, I did not just kill myself… in fact, shortly after writing this, I was reading it over and laughing. Writing can really clear the mind and help correct perspective.
Random Stuff, Too Tired To Be Coherent
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on August 21, 2006
Current mood:tired
Well, I made it back to Walla Walla in one piece. My Jeep ran perfect, not a single problem. I managed to get some offroading in on the way up to Seattle, I stopped by the Beverly dunes and went jumping around the bushes and sand, seeing what it could do. I only put like 15-20 minutes in at Beverly because it was getting late. I got up this morning at 3am, and after getting gas, I was on the road by 3:30am. The roads were clear for the most part, but there were clumps of slow people along the way, so I made it to work by 7:40am. I am a bit tired.
Sorry, no rants today, just a normal blog. I am half asleep, so what can you expect really? I will rant some other time. I have put up enough of my feelings, points of view, and other stuff to last a while, ok, maybe not for long.
The wedding was perfect, everything was great. I managed to visit with almost all of my friends in the area this trip. I gained a sister-in-law, someone I have already considered to be like a sister to me. Yesterday, I was able to wish the new married couple a safe and fun cruise up to Alaska.
Oh, yeah, through a fair amount of effort on my mother’s part, I met someone (ever so briefly) at church and lunch after the service. From the description, she sounded like a nice person, but I had no idea what to expect. I was impressed, she seemed really nice and as strange as it may seem to at least me, there were many things that we had in common. I can’t say much more than that, because we did not have much of a chance to talk, but I think I might have another person that would be fun to hang out with when I come up there. I have been looking for like minded people that would like to go out and do things that are not bar or drinking oriented for a couple months now, and though I have had little luck over here in Walla Walla, I am very pleased to know that there are actually others that are looking for the same thing. Ahh, there is hope.
I will be moving up to the Seattle area sometime, I have been planning it for many years now. Perhaps the time is drawing near. Today I spoke with the Japanese professor at Whitman, and he was fairly insistent that the cost of taking the Japanese class would be more than nominal. That got me thinking about alternatives. I have yet to check with the WWCC to see if they teach the Japanese language, so that might be a possibility, but that may be another selling point for me to move up to the Seattle area. I have so many of my friends up there that I have all but severed ties with by moving down here to Walla Walla. Every time I go up and visit, I realize that I miss them, and maybe moving down here for so long has hurt me socially. I do have a much stronger sense of who I am, and what it is like to be on my own, and so many other things, but socially, things have been hard. I love the few friends that have stayed in Walla Walla, but I feel like a fish out of water here, and I realize it every time I head up to visit. This is not a “the grass is always greener” type of situation, I am weighing the good and the bad of all aspects of moving up there. I do have some things I have to finish up down here, and some things to arrange with work, but I will have that taken care of in however much time I feel is appropriate. From time to time this feeling of being “lost without a way to go” creeps up on me, but I have a direction now (more than just moving), even though I do not know where exactly it leads, I do know who it is that leads me, and that is enough.
I almost felt a rant coming on, but the feeling was lost. Perhaps later.
Interesting Quote
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on August 18, 2006
Current mood:refreshed
Here is a quote I just read from my mother’s office:
“Truth is shunned when it is painful or calls for choices we don’t want to face. But we must dare to be totally committed to truth. Mental soundness is the continuous process of facing reality as it is, rather than how we wish it to be. To have the courage to live life on life’s terms, illusions must be given up. And who does that without a fight?”
It seems strange that just now at this point in my life, I would find something like that just sitting on the wall. I am sure it applies to so many other people, but it very directly has application to my current situation. There are things that I don’t want to hear but are true. In my mind, I am touching on important ideas but I think my mind recoils because I don’t want things to be that way, so I ignore the truth. I don’t want to ignore the truth anymore! I want to hear all the things that I don’t want to know, if that makes any sense. How can I grow when I can not see the truth?
The saying “the truth hurts” sucks, I hate it, there is so much meaning behind it and to just put it in 3 words makes it into a personal attack. This is why when talking to friends or people in general, I explain, I make sure they understand what I am saying, the real meaning, and can relate to it in some way, and then I present the horrible few word saying that people use.
I wish people would be more honest, or maybe that’s not the word, be more open. I have a hard time with people hiding the truth from you, it never does anyone any good. Do not spare my feelings, mash they into a pulp, if it is the truth, that is the most important thing. I can handle it. The truth can hurt both ways, the person telling another person the truth, and the receiver. But please, know that it is the best thing, be brave, tell them, although you may want to spare their feelings, do not spare them the truth, because in the end, you are keeping them from growing, from making those personal decisions that will make them a better person. With all severe mental problems aside, telling people the truth is the best thing.
Ok, even though I just laid that out there, I can not say that is best for everyone at all times, in the end though, telling them the truth is the best thing. And women out there, don’t count on hints, we are guys, we have thick heads, and so many of those hints go unnoticed. We are different creatures, know and love us for this, but also keep it in mind when it comes to communication, direct is the best. I am not encouraging guys to leave things unnoticed, or to not pay close attention, because we need to, but you can not ignore the fact that we can not catch on to everything.
I guess what I am saying is, don’t let your fears or feelings keep you from doing what is right, or from telling the truth to those close around you. Don’t be afraid to hurt them, it is a part of learning from your mistakes. The pain will pass with time while they make sense of what happened. They may have questions, and even then, don’t hold back, they just want to know what they did so that they do not do it again in the future, or can make personal choices to better themselves. Oh, and once again, this is assuming that you are dealing with someone who does not have severe mental problems.
I am done rambling and ranting for now. I am going to go do some things for me, I need more me time to balance things out. And people, get some sleep, things become so much more clear after a good night’s rest.
Too Little, Too Late?
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on August 17, 2006
Current mood:lonely
I have so much to learn, but I am learning so much. I am grateful for my friends for helping me realize so many things that, in my mind, I kept touching on, but did not yet fully understand.
Not giving people their space, their time, can push them away from you. Some people are different than others, and the amount of space they need can differ. Also after certain situations, more space can be needed than before. To sum it up in a few words that mean so little unless you really understand it in the first place, you could say “don’t push it”.
I think I have always came on a little strong, and I am sure that even though I may not have noticed it for what it was, it has caused me many relationship problems in the past, even with friends. Those that have known me for a long time, I think have known this and accepted it as just an unusual personality type.
There are many other things that I have learned, that I will not mention here, at least yet. There are so many things that are easy to put into words, but into practice, it may be a challenge. I am up for the challenge. For those that I have pushed away, I apologize. Balance is hard to put into practice.
Jonathan’s Lingering Inner Strength
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on August 9, 2006
Current mood:pleased
Ok, I did not mean to leave things on a sort of bad note. Later that night on Monday, I was good, not great, but good. Sleep helped, talking helped, and so did writing and eating. Tuesday was a wonderful day, and today is going great too.
As for the situation, things are going as I believe they should. She does not speak too much about how she feels, and well I have been thinking about that. How could she really say anything about that, she does not really know me yet….
Feelings make you do some stupid things, especially when you have not had to deal with them for a while. Something I noticed today is that I am impatient, I hate waiting for things. My mind flys, computers have a hard time keeping up with what I am trying to do at work. I am so use to having control over things, everything works by my rules, my time, and my time is not going at any slow pace. Now take away most of that control as feelings kick in, introduce a new set of rules I am not familiar with, and then mix that all up with a change of pace, because getting to know someone takes time… I am getting a handle on things though. I am stepping back and looking at things, though it is very hard to do some times.
I have also realized something I have known, or would have known if I were to have really thought about it. Stop over analyzing things. Relationships are not meant to be poked and prodded at so much, there is a time and place for everything, addressing every little thing even before it happens just does not help. Saying everything that is on your mind is not always the best thing either. Ok, well what do I know….., so much, yet so little.
All I really know is that tomorrow is another day, great things come from bad situations, learning by mistake will stick with you better than any other way, some of the greatest things in life come from doing things you don’t want to do, things that are hard. Life is good, all of it, what ever happens, the good, the bad, it is all such an adventure, blazing your path in life…
Tired…..
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on August 7, 2006
Current mood:drained
Stress takes its tole. It is amazing how much it will hurt you just seeing and feeling someone you care about be uncomfortable with/around you because of a stupid decision you made. Some times I think I am too sensitive, and the first thing that comes to mind is the movie Bedazzled, where one wish was to be sensitive, and he turned into a raging pussy…. Though I did my best to undo the mistake I made, I fear the damage is done. Not that I am going to give up or anything, thats not my way. I will however continue as friends, which I knew I should have done anyway. How can you really find out if the person is right for you, if you don’t get to know them. Every mistake, every bad decision, in one way or another results in good, I believe that, even thought it is hard to sometimes. I have learned another little piece of information that I will not forget. Anyway, I am tired, and sort of down, so I think I am going to sleep on it.
Jonathan’s Complete Lack of Understanding
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on August 5, 2006
Current mood:contemplative
I have had some relationships with some messed up people in the past, a chronic liar, and another that would just not talk about the other relationships she was having with other people at the same time, testing the waters as she put it. Both cheated on me, with several guys, both lied about everything surrounding the situation. After all that fun shit, I have trust issues that I need to work out one way or another.
Here is a weird twist to the whole situation, call it coincidence or what ever you want, because I am not sure myself. Starting with the bad relationship before the last bad one. She was the one “testing the waters” with guy after guy, sometimes more than one guy in the in the same week (boy do I know how to pick them). Things would be going fine, there would be no hint of anything strange going on. She would be doing the same old thing, going out and visiting friends, I would meet some of them from time to time, nothing seemed out of place. I mean it is normal for people to have friends and hang out with them, right? Ok, well here comes the weird part, after a few weeks of things seeming normal enough, I started getting this horrible feeling which I can not really put into words, well actually I think I did, right when it was happening I think I wrote it down in a notebook because I did not know what else to do. The feeling was sort of like betrayal mixed with sadness and some other extremely intense bad feelings. But after a few days of that, I started putting things together, and I knew exactly what was happening, she had just started sleeping around, just one week after she told me that she wanted to “take the relationship to a new level”, well I never in a million years would have guessed that she meant sleeping around with some other guys. A new level of what?, a new level of shitty relationships? Well thanks for that, live and learn. Anyway, I told several people exactly what was happening, as in exactly what she was doing, then confronted her and told her what she was doing, and told her that it would have been nice to hear it from her, so that I could at least start moving on with my life. She admitted and confirmed everything I had came up with.
The next one is having to do with my last bad relationship. I will not go into too much detail on this one. I can say that my emotional tie with her was much stronger than the almost relationship I had before. This seems to make things worse when I experience that evil feeling that something is wrong. We are a ways into the relationship, when she decides to go visit some of her friends. She was gone for some time, and then all of a sudden I get that horrible feeling again, it was really bad, I did not sleep for 2 days, I tossed and turned, doing what I could to get the feeling out of my head. I talked to several people about that one, and I knew that she cheated on me, and that everything she told me after that point while she was gone, was a lie. After everything was said and done, she told me exactly what happened. It turns out that she had hooked up with the first person she had ever slept with and had sex with him the exact same times I got that horrible feeling.
Ok, so say you believe what I have said, what would you make of it. Is it coincidence? Or is it some sort of connection I have with someone I have feelings for, where I feel what is going on in their head. Maybe people who are said to “not have a conscience”, really do have a conscience, but they ignore it, but just because they ignore it, does not mean I can. What ever the case, this bad feeling thing is real, and it seems to coincide with actual events, coincidence or not.
What ever the case, if it is some sort of a connection with a person I have feelings for, I in no way have enough experience with it to be able to tell exactly what is going on. For example, maybe a different person would feel guilty for not giving someone a call when they said they would, and if I had strong feelings for that person, then I would feel that guilt, in a lesser but noticeable way similar to the incidents in the past. Or maybe even a slight white lie, or just not saying the complete truth would make someone feel guilty if they were a really good person who does not normally do that. I think I might understand then, maybe….
Ok, yeah, so I am a freak, with mental powers, or maybe just mental, what ever, I don’t control the world or the reality that binds us to it, so who am I to say. Only God could really explain this crap, but in the meantime, I have to try and make sense of things, and writing about it, seems to help.
Jonathan’s Chaotic Mind
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on August 4, 2006
Current mood:anxious
Life has such a delicate balance. Figuring that balance out is a struggle. Everyone is different. I am too fast sometimes, I bring things on too soon because of my own fears. Yes I fear, I can admit that, it is so clear to me just by my actions. I brought it on, but I have to keep in mind that there is another person involved, and they have their own balances to keep in check, they have their own timetables to work out. Just because I set things going so fast does not mean that the world will adjust to how fast my mind works. So many friends, such a large family. Don’t push it!
Life Is Good
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on July 25, 2006
Current mood:optimistic
I figured I would post another blog. This time maybe a little less gloomy. Today was a good day! This morning I woke up on time, worked out for 30 minutes, took a shower, tossed a salad, I mean made a salad, and ran off to the store to pick some things up. I got to work a little late, but that’s cool, I didn’t miss anything. At work I managed to get tons done like, I packed up and shipped 2 servers, nearly finished debugging the installation of a new control panel I am working on, got put in charge of an on site network installation while my boss is away, and I ran a mile during lunch because it was not nearly as hot today as it was yesterday. After work I started to work on my Jeep to fix some cooling issues. I replaced the coolant bottle which was slightly cracked, and popped out my thermostat which was getting stuck sometimes and making the Jeep run hotter than it should, I try to keep it running under 230 most of the time. It was easy, and took hardly any effort or time, and I drove around about 30 miles, most at speeds of 65 so I could make sure it didn’t leak under normal freeway conditions, and everything worked perfectly, no leaks.
All in all, my day was productive, though boring to most people, I am sure. However, I got this weird feeling while I was driving around. I think I am missing someone. That has not happened in a long time. Maybe this is a good thing that I am missing someone….
Psycho Pussy?
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on July 17, 2006
Current mood:tired
I am thinking about moving, but I do not know where, or if that would even be the best thing, but then again, I think it would. What my mind likes to do is try and branch out as many possibilities that could happen in the future, and the decisions that could lead to that possible future. Like for example, say in an undetermined period of time, I were to develop a serious relationship with someone who lived a fair distance away from me, what would I do then? Well knowing me as well as I do, I would do what ever it took to ensure the happiness of both people involved. I started out wanting to move up to Everett, or that area at least, so that I can be around friends and family, I know so many people there, and that still is my reason, but then again, the grass is always greener on the other side (I have always hated that concept which is far too true to deny). I also want to be around the right people, good people, perhaps better than I have been surrounding myself with over the last 2 years here. I have found some good people over here, but they are sparse.
I am a strong person, with strong beliefs, and a passion for the things I love and the activities I love to do. I have values that I will not compromise, and that is one of the things that I would like to think makes me a good person. But am I wasting it all away just going day by day working, isn’t there something more for me? I can answer that, yes there is, the real question is, where do I go, what do I do to get there. And then, the biggest issue on my mind, who do I want to take with me, who do I want to do it with. I would love to have someone along with me, perhaps my missing half would be a good description, someone that together we could help make sense of things. Ok, enough of that, don’t want to sound like too much of a pussy, but I am sure anyone reading this gets my drift.
Needless to say, I have been thinking about a lot of things, more so the last 2 months than I have in a very very long time. Things like that tend to happen when certain events happen in your life that waken dormant ideas, thoughts, and feelings, that you were sure you had locked away for good. Great, now I sound like a psychopath. A psycho pussy anyone?
A Glimpse Into The Mind of The ADD
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on June 17, 2006
Current mood:weird
Here is a small glimpse into the mind of an ADD person. I just had this thought while writing to a friend. I just got to the end of a paragraph, and was wondering what to write next, and out of nowhere, I remembered something about panda being a nickname. Panda’s are Asian animals I think, Asian is a type of food, I like most Asian foods, last time I had Asian food was at the panda express, I remember almost eating the fortune out of a fortune cookie on accident because I only had one hand free while running out of the Alderwood mall, the first thing I thought I read on the fortune was “You have the personality of a weiner”, but on closer inspection of the fortune, it said winner. What ever, so I went back to thinking about what I was going to write next, but into my mind popped the name of a type of wiener, Oscar Myer. Curious on how to spell it for no apparent reason, I opened up another tab and went to google.com and searched for my misspelling of Oscar Myer. After clicking on the “Did you mean: Oscar Myer” link google.com gave me, I came to some links, I went to the most interesting link which was the 3rd one down. It went to “Urban Dictionary: Oscar Meyer”, which goes into some interesting definitions for Oscar Meyer, things I was not aware of, but thought were hilarious, you should check it out. Out of nowhere I figured that this would make an interesting blog, so here it is.
I am amazed that I can ever get any work done.
Venting Thoughts, A Good Woman
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on June 8, 2006
Current mood:contemplative
Ok, to be blunt like I am, I am looking for a good woman, fun, outgoing, and athletic (optional), but must be in good health. I must say, someone like that is hard to find. And when you do, things are not as they appear to be, and then everything falls apart. I don’t really want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I will be by choice if I can not find someone that fits with me. If I am with someone who I do not fit with, then it degrades their life as well as mine, and I can not do that to someone. So the right one is a little hard to find. I am sure you can related to “the right one is hard to find”, well at least if you are looking for the right one. What sucks is that I am what no woman (or at least very few) thinks exists, most guys say they are like me, but are not. Back in Cypress, I made the mistake of telling Jeremy about how I felt about Sunny, and how I would treat her. Next thing I know, he is dating her, they are together, and my feelings, being unchanged, I continue to describe what I would do in every situation when it came to Sunny (nothing sexual or anything like that, it was pure love). Anyways, in the end, I helped my best friend win over the heart of the girl I loved. Not too smart now that I think about it, he ended up just throwing it all away over sexual related issues. Starting at the end of that situation, though I am not sure I should really mention this to anyone, it took me over 10 years to come to the point where I was looking for another girlfriend.
I could never cheat on someone I am with, it is just not possible, it would be wrong, beyond anything I could express, but that is just me. I not too long ago had a problem that presented itself with my last girlfriend. I was too trusting (maybe), and too forgiving (true, but that does not sound good). I ended up forgiving things I should not have, like a stolen car and money, cheating on me, and drugs. I trusted the lies she told, and forgave the wrongs she had done to me. To an extent, that is good (forgiveness and trust), but not in my situation, at least not to the extent I took them. One month after all of the above mentioned situations came to play, I did end up saying, “I love you, I hope all of the best for you, but for my sake, I have to let you go”. That was a good decision, I wanted to help her, but there are limits, or at least I came to the conclusion that in order for me to continue life in a positive way, I could not be with her any more. I have learned from that experience, it will not happen again like it did then, but it has not broken me, I will still trust, love, and forgive, but with open eyes. I did not put up walls after that, how could you actually get to know another person and develop a relationship when you have walls up, I prefer going in with my eyes open. Besides, when you have those walls up, you will reject so many things that would turn out to be great parts of your life, I know this to be true.
Here I am, stuck in a small town, looking (maybe) for the right woman, or at least open to the possibility. I am surrounded by mostly “normal guys” (assholes) and am stuck with being stereotyped as one of those “normal guys”, no matter what I say, because those assholes (many “normal guys”) say the same things just to get what they want out of what ever woman they are trying to get with. There is not much else to say about that, other than it sucks, and I am hoping to somehow overcome this issue one way or another.
A good quote I ran across
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on June 8, 2006
Current mood:optimistic
To laugh often and much,
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children…
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends.
To appreciate beauty.
To find the best in others.
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition…
To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived
This is to have succeeded.
-Emmerson
I am broken
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog on May 12, 2006
Current mood:gloomy
The world is such a big place, so barren for so many people. Every day, every where I go, I close the doors behind me and so often lock them. That sort of makes me think, am I locking the world of possibilities out of my life? Is this really more than just locking physical doors behind me, is it more like a reflection of my personality, where I am afraid to let people in. I know I am afraid to let people in, but that is just because I am cautious, maybe too much so, what am I missing because I am so private. I know I am an intelligent person, and when people get to know me, I have yet to find someone who actually does not like me. I don’t know, I am a big nerd, but so many other things. Maybe I am just broken, beyond help. So be it.