Posts Tagged Music
Just Keep in Touch
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on November 20, 2008
Current mood:sad
“daddy I lost you, I need you so, just for you now, just keep in touch” Words from a song I heard, by a person who could not even put his own voice to the words, he synthesized them.
Over the many years of our lives, we are hurt, but sometimes we don’t have enough background to even know what hurts and what doesn’t. Some of the deepest hurts may just make your head caulk to the side at the time, because you know something is wrong, but you can’t really put together what it is all about. then 10 or so years later, you are listening to a song, and it says something, something that touches you, and your body tenses up, and you resist the feeling, but you know that something is there. Those words just touched on a sore spot, a wound from the past that can not heal without the realization that it is there. Once you know something is going on, you can do something about it. Touching where we are wounded causes us pain, and we burst into tears, shaking, uncontrolled, or we fight it, and resist feeling anything and become cold and hard like a rock, unhealing. I had to ask God for help to figure out what was going on, to let me feel, if something is there, I want to heal, I want to realize the truth about what hurt me so I can act, so I can change it, and heal. I want to be a whole person, not like a house that is full of many rooms, with their doors blocked off and boarded up, afraid to face what happened behind them. If you live like that, each blocked off room also blocks off some of who you are, some of your feeling, some of your function, more of what makes you alive. Room by room, I want to heal, so I can be a full whole person, who is fully alive.
I miss my Dad, I miss him really bad. It is as if I had lost him, or maybe never had him in the first place. I see him from time to time, but it is like there is a wall there, I know there is one on my part, but perhaps he has one put up himself. We are not actually connecting… Well sometimes, perhaps on a deeper level then many people connect with their fathers. But I still feel that we are both wounded and afraid of the deeper relationship that we both long for with each other. He is afraid, so am I. I can not say what he is afraid of, but I can say what I am afraid of. I am afraid that on a deeper level, he does not really love me, unless there is something in it to benefit him. I am afraid of a conditional love. No one said one’s fears have to be based in truth, I can say that they often are not. I might go as far as saying that anywhere there is a fear involved, you will find a lie that you believe as a truth.
Bits of stuff, unworthy of their own blog
Posted by Jonathan Kinney in Business Ethics, God, Life, MySpace Blog, Relationships on August 16, 2007
Here are a few things that did not quite make it to becoming a blog, but I wanted to toss this stuff up here all the same. Some are conversations, others are just things I jotted down. None of it seemed special enough to put up into its own blog.
Sometime after July 29th, when I went to the Daft Punk concert:
Yes, the concert was a blessing, that’s right, being able to go to the Daft Punk concert was blessing from God, He knows how to take care of me. The only thing that comes to mind is that God is the DJ, mixing together all of the sound samples and notes of my life, and I got to say, I love the music! He is taking everyone and using them in his mix.
Wed Aug 08 08:36:42 2007, just chatting with someone:
[13:08] Jonathan: I don’t get it, why am I attracted to crazy?
[13:09] Jonathan: NM, I got it…
[13:11] Jonathan: I love extremes, blistering heat, dripping humidity, blasting wind, ground-shaking thunder, blinding lightning. Maybe I now am at the point where I realize, that stuff is cool, but that is not what I need to look for in a woman….
[13:29] Matt: it is the challenge
[13:30] Matt: or possibly, you like to fix things
[13:30] Jonathan: that could be too
[13:31] Jonathan: I like to help people, it has been my resolve since childhood, and maybe I see they need help, and I want to help, I always do
[13:32] Matt: yeah, i did the same thing with girlfriends…. get the crazies and try to help them then realize it was too much
[13:32] Matt: the problem with women is that if you attempt to fix them they wont stay fixed
[13:32] Matt: probably the same with men, but i never dated any
[13:33] Jonathan: yeah, they have to do it themselves, to what ever extent is possible
[13:33] Matt: word
[13:39] Jonathan: God’s teaching me tons of stuff, its cool
[13:40] Matt: how do you know?
[13:41] Jonathan: action and reaction, to the point of no chance of coincidence
This was just me “thinking out loud” in an email today:
My perspective is a little down cast the last day or so, but I know it is just temporary, and it will clear up.
I think God has some more teaching to do, and I have some more lessons to learn. One of the things I am dealing with is the feeling you get when you are ripped off by a mechanic. I hardly ever get to the point where I am filled with contempt for someone, but I think that situation really hit a sore spot, that spot where you finally get to the point where you get enough trust together, hold it out only to have it smacked out of your hands and fall to the ground shattering into a million pieces. Maybe I am over sensitive, maybe I should have known better, or maybe I didn’t handle it right. At what point do I take the situation into my own hands and get the mechanic to do what I paid them to do. For all I know, they may not have had any deception in mind, maybe they really thought what they told me was the real cause of the problem. Maybe I am just seeing it wrong. But one thing I know, I am not built to hate, I am not meant to hold contempt for someone, and I think that is what is bothering me so much, this foreign feeling that should not be there, it is being rejected. I think that is it, with God so strong in my life, those feelings are like poison, and my entire being is rejecting it.