Current mood:anxious
First I would like to say, love is so much more than just a choice, so so much more! It is a feeling, it is an action, it is loyalty, it is based in truth, it is working through problems with a life long determination, never giving up. Love is so many things, and for me it is a way of life. Though I am not perfect, and in some ways, I am a hypocrite because I am not perfect. But I do love, and I will spend my entire life growing in love, working toward showing agape love. I pray that God strip me of my selfishness, my arrogance, my comparisons, and my feelings of superiority, because those have no place in a life of love. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I do however plan to always learn and grow, so that I might gain footing every day. As the world and its values push back, with God, I have faith that I can grow.
Now that I got that out of the way, which was something that has been bothering me ever since I posted my first blog touching on what love is, I feel much better. As I move forward in my relationship with Kathy, I am learning many new things, seeing myself in many new lights, and seeing how truly human I am. I am weak at times, I am an empty shell of a man at other times. As I move forward in love, my flaws seem to have bright spotlight on them, and now I can see so many things that I need to work through in order to grow. Day after day, I am reminded of how Kathy will love me no matter what I approach her with. I am filled with confidence in who God made her to be, and how through God, nothing is impossible to resolve. It is not always easy, but what truly good things in life are easy.
I feel like I have finally woken up after 7 years of… I don’t know what, and for the last year or 2 I have been back and growing. Not to say my 7 years in Walla Walla were a waste, they were not, I have made many friends, and seen how the world values things. I have lived on my own, and I have lived with people. I have been through so many different situations, I have seen the worst in people, and then I have been able to understand it. I have been given the gift of forgiveness and have been able to let go of so many hurts in my past, not forgetting them, but they no longer have power over me and my actions and feelings today. Enough of this tangent, I am here now, so now what?
Now what? It is a little late for me to be asking myself that now isn’t it… I am moving forward. But still I feel the need to ask myself that question on a day to day basis. In this life there are so many things to do, so many choices, which one do I make, and what steps do I want to take to get there. What do I want? I want a life of love, life foundation in God, and to make people laugh. I also want to develop the talents God has gifted me with, like art, and to explore my love for music by actually learning a musical skill. I want to build strong friendships with the people around me, and to treat everyone with a love that resembles the love God has for us.
My to do list is growing, and time is passing by, but not without me jumping on and doing as much as I can in the time I am given, and with the ability I have been gifted with. Maybe I should start by doing the paperwork on my desk, and clearing all of that off.