I have been here for a long long time. My world was held up by the characters and the living forms around me. I felt safe with my environment always there for me when I needed something solid to lean on. Its crumbling away. There is no one to support me, there is no one to talk to anymore. I have to become that which is crumbling around me, the pillar. Many lights have fizzled out, it feels so dark. But I realize that the light was not them, it was not the people, but it was God at work in them showing through. That is what I loved, that is what caught my eyes, that is what attracted me to value them. The light is not gone, it is kept, and it is time to be lit up, to have God in me filling me so much, that others can look at me and find something worth something. Something beautiful, even if they don’t know what it is until I am gone some day hopefully at its rightful time long into the future.

Its time to change, perhaps mourning is part of it. I can’t live without the light, but the Light needs to fill me. I say that “God didn’t make us to be puppets”, but today I stand as one who is little to nothing without God filling me. Its Ironic, or is it. Not puppets but nothing without my maker, my God, like a person and his heart, one is nothing without the other.

I don’t get to tell my dad about things anymore, he won’t get to see Serena grow up. Serena won’t know him. It was part of the plan that he would be here when we moved here. Plans change. Now I get to work out what life will look like without him. Pick up the pieces, and make something of it, not what I expected, but something good, it has to be something good.

I no longer get to talk to my closest human friend about spiritual things, bowels and poop, movies, music, or life. Larry I miss you. I wish I could share life with you even now. I wish. Who could ever fill that hole, I can’t imagine. The last unicorn, is there anyone left on this earth like you? Truly unimaginably darker now that light is gone. You shown through him Lord, there has got to be more. I need there to be more like him.

Ed, the last of 2 lights that shown like the sun in College Place.  Old and precious.  You righted many wrongs in more ways than you know.  Murial, you died laughing, how wonderful, but how sad for all who knew you.  Ed, a giant in a small frail old man’s body, sharp as a sword, beautiful, and shining with love!  Truly you both have met Christ, how else could you be so much like Him.  I had hoped to introduce my daughter to you, to show you the life that you were an important part of.

Grandma, holy hell, what can I say.  Your prayers kept Jesus on His toes, to jump at any chance, any opening I gave.  And not just me, so so many prayers for family, and who did you not consider family.  I am who I am today by your prayers.  A shell of a person, finally left an opening, and I am a new man, 10 years later, nearly back where it all started, but with a wife, daughter, job, and a relationship with God, because of your constant prayers.  There is no replacing that!  How does the world even turn anymore!  Surly when you finally closed your eyes, we all should have been snuffed out, but by God’s graces we remain.

My friend, my neighbor, you were there from when I was in high school.  Always so kind and loving.  I know of no other neighbor like you.  God gives us a window, and sometimes we don’t take it, and the opportunity passes.  I hope you know how much we loved you, even though we missed the window.  Your children and their friends remain as a testament to who you were and your character.