Current mood:contemplative
I have had some relationships with some messed up people in the past, a chronic liar, and another that would just not talk about the other relationships she was having with other people at the same time, testing the waters as she put it. Both cheated on me, with several guys, both lied about everything surrounding the situation. After all that fun shit, I have trust issues that I need to work out one way or another.
Here is a weird twist to the whole situation, call it coincidence or what ever you want, because I am not sure myself. Starting with the bad relationship before the last bad one. She was the one “testing the waters” with guy after guy, sometimes more than one guy in the in the same week (boy do I know how to pick them). Things would be going fine, there would be no hint of anything strange going on. She would be doing the same old thing, going out and visiting friends, I would meet some of them from time to time, nothing seemed out of place. I mean it is normal for people to have friends and hang out with them, right? Ok, well here comes the weird part, after a few weeks of things seeming normal enough, I started getting this horrible feeling which I can not really put into words, well actually I think I did, right when it was happening I think I wrote it down in a notebook because I did not know what else to do. The feeling was sort of like betrayal mixed with sadness and some other extremely intense bad feelings. But after a few days of that, I started putting things together, and I knew exactly what was happening, she had just started sleeping around, just one week after she told me that she wanted to “take the relationship to a new level”, well I never in a million years would have guessed that she meant sleeping around with some other guys. A new level of what?, a new level of shitty relationships? Well thanks for that, live and learn. Anyway, I told several people exactly what was happening, as in exactly what she was doing, then confronted her and told her what she was doing, and told her that it would have been nice to hear it from her, so that I could at least start moving on with my life. She admitted and confirmed everything I had came up with.
The next one is having to do with my last bad relationship. I will not go into too much detail on this one. I can say that my emotional tie with her was much stronger than the almost relationship I had before. This seems to make things worse when I experience that evil feeling that something is wrong. We are a ways into the relationship, when she decides to go visit some of her friends. She was gone for some time, and then all of a sudden I get that horrible feeling again, it was really bad, I did not sleep for 2 days, I tossed and turned, doing what I could to get the feeling out of my head. I talked to several people about that one, and I knew that she cheated on me, and that everything she told me after that point while she was gone, was a lie. After everything was said and done, she told me exactly what happened. It turns out that she had hooked up with the first person she had ever slept with and had sex with him the exact same times I got that horrible feeling.
Ok, so say you believe what I have said, what would you make of it. Is it coincidence? Or is it some sort of connection I have with someone I have feelings for, where I feel what is going on in their head. Maybe people who are said to “not have a conscience”, really do have a conscience, but they ignore it, but just because they ignore it, does not mean I can. What ever the case, this bad feeling thing is real, and it seems to coincide with actual events, coincidence or not.
What ever the case, if it is some sort of a connection with a person I have feelings for, I in no way have enough experience with it to be able to tell exactly what is going on. For example, maybe a different person would feel guilty for not giving someone a call when they said they would, and if I had strong feelings for that person, then I would feel that guilt, in a lesser but noticeable way similar to the incidents in the past. Or maybe even a slight white lie, or just not saying the complete truth would make someone feel guilty if they were a really good person who does not normally do that. I think I might understand then, maybe….
Ok, yeah, so I am a freak, with mental powers, or maybe just mental, what ever, I don’t control the world or the reality that binds us to it, so who am I to say. Only God could really explain this crap, but in the meantime, I have to try and make sense of things, and writing about it, seems to help.