Current mood:contemplative

Ok, to be blunt like I am, I am looking for a good woman, fun, outgoing, and athletic (optional), but must be in good health.  I must say, someone like that is hard to find.  And when you do, things are not as they appear to be, and then everything falls apart.  I don’t really want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I will be by choice if I can not find someone that fits with me.  If I am with someone who I do not fit with, then it degrades their life as well as mine, and I can not do that to someone.  So the right one is a little hard to find.  I am sure you can related to “the right one is hard to find”, well at least if you are looking for the right one.  What sucks is that I am what no woman (or at least very few) thinks exists, most guys say they are like me, but are not.  Back in Cypress, I made the mistake of telling Jeremy about how I felt about Sunny, and how I would treat her.  Next thing I know, he is dating her, they are together, and my feelings, being unchanged, I continue to describe what I would do in every situation when it came to Sunny (nothing sexual or anything like that, it was pure love).  Anyways, in the end, I helped my best friend win over the heart of the girl I loved.  Not too smart now that I think about it, he ended up just throwing it all away over sexual related issues.  Starting at the end of that situation, though I am not sure I should really mention this to anyone, it took me over 10 years to come to the point where I was looking for another girlfriend.

I could never cheat on someone I am with, it is just not possible, it would be wrong, beyond anything I could express, but that is just me.  I not too long ago had a problem that presented itself with my last girlfriend.  I was too trusting (maybe), and too forgiving (true, but that does not sound good).  I ended up forgiving things I should not have, like a stolen car and money, cheating on me, and drugs.  I trusted the lies she told, and forgave the wrongs she had done to me.  To an extent, that is good (forgiveness and trust), but not in my situation, at least not to the extent I took them.  One month after all of the above mentioned situations came to play, I did end up saying, “I love you, I hope all of the best for you, but for my sake, I have to let you go”.  That was a good decision, I wanted to help her, but there are limits, or at least I came to the conclusion that in order for me to continue life in a positive way, I could not be with her any more.  I have learned from that experience, it will not happen again like it did then, but it has not broken me, I will still trust, love, and forgive, but with open eyes.  I did not put up walls after that, how could you actually get to know another person and develop a relationship when you have walls up, I prefer going in with my eyes open.  Besides, when you have those walls up, you will reject so many things that would turn out to be great parts of your life, I know this to be true.

Here I am, stuck in a small town, looking (maybe) for the right woman, or at least open to the possibility.  I am surrounded by mostly “normal guys” (assholes) and am stuck with being stereotyped as one of those “normal guys”, no matter what I say, because those assholes (many “normal guys”) say the same things just to get what they want out of what ever woman they are trying to get with.  There is not much else to say about that, other than it sucks, and I am hoping to somehow overcome this issue one way or another.